Shameless Papistry, Fantastical and Paleontological Musings, General Hilarity

Agents of Theocracy

We rose late in the evening for our waking prayers, according to our strict spiritual regimen. Then, a breakfast of coarse dark bread and lukewarm water and following that, general calisthenics to limber up . Our crucifix-shurikens and crosier-naginata had to be sharpened then, in preparation for the coming mission. We were to put down any and all resistance by use of aggravated force and flagellation. The Sister Superior that lead our team into battle inspected our gear before we boarded the stealth plane that was to take us to our drop zone. She shattered Father John’s windpipe with her elbow for having his rosary-garrote tangled. That was a mistake that may have cost him his life in the right situation, and he paid for it with his last breath so that we might learn. When the price of failure is Eternal Damnation, no precaution is too severe, no punishment for transgression too harsh. Finding the rest of us to her liking, we all boarded the plane. I was surprised to notice the Ultra-Secret Brethren of the Bladed Cross standing there, four of them, no less, in full battle dress. Apparently, our mission was going to involve actual open war in the Name of the Holy Mother Church and Pope Hitler XVI.

We spent the trip over in silent prayer, meditating on the Nine-thousand Agonizing Sorrows of the Ever Virgin, mulling over each bloody, painful detail in our hearts and minds until we all saw red. Our mission tonight, we were told, by Sister Superior Agnes of the Bleeding Rent Heart of Jesus, was to put a stop to some little flea who dared think to order the Vatican around in his own pathetic Democracy, by some sort of Healthcare Mandate. How amusing. Someone actually felt that women had rights before they became the Improved Humans ready to serve in a Religious Order. We would put a stop to that.

We were ready for the drop. While reciting the Litany of Litanies, we jumped from the plane several miles up, completely cloaked by a cloud of blessed incense. Everyone but the Sister Superior and the Brethren of the Bladed Cross went into swan dives, streaking down towards the target. The Brethren turned on the jump jets on their Mark MM Crucifixion Mobile Battlesuits, and Sister Superior use her specially modified habit as a parachute. We met some anti-aircraft fire as we went down, but nothing the Brethren could not deal with. They unleashed frankincense shrapnel grenades, covering our descent with the flurry of their explosions. Any flak that got through glanced off of our body armor, by the Grace of God. When it came time for impact, we opened our chutes and veered away from one another, each of us heading to our specific objectives. Some of us would be combing this entire country over the next several months as field agents, blowing up abortion clinics, stealing birth control from the distributors, and sabotaging their production so that none of the new product functioned in the way God never intended. The rest, myself included, would serve as a show of force so that the Will of the Pope should never be again questioned by this “President” fellow.

The Brethren hit the ground first, their landing blowing up and area the size of a city block. Sister ran interference for them, handling any local law enforcement officers before they could react. As if the “law” they tried to enforce had any bearing on those who followed Divine Law…The battlesuits opened up with a salvo from their shoulder-mounted rail-guns, destroying some sort of stupid white tower nearby. Then, they extended their four-bladed cross swords and charged the enemy, Heaven-bent on unleashing as much destruction as possible…..

So, if you haven’t stopped reading yet, I hope you recognize that this is one giant joke. I would never condone anything like this, nor does it exist.

I wrote this silliness in response to all the people who have decided to defend the HHS Mandate that forces the Church to pay for what it deems a grievous Evil by claiming that we are trying to enforce a Theocracy or control women. I will not go into the various reasons why the Mandate, even with that false compromise “Dear Leader” President Barack Obama placed in their to insult our intelligence, is a violation of every American’s Constitutional Rights. The problem there should be obvious. What I will do is tell you that what our opponents claim is utterly ridiculous.

There is no secret abortion-doctor assassination squad that also sabotages birth control pill factories. We have no power-armored monks to storm the capitol and force the Will of the Church upon America. We have no real power to stop women from using as many contraceptives and having as many abortions as they desire. All we can do is preach against it, and not allow them to be paid for with our money. That is why we fight this Mandate. We are being forced to pay for that which we find Evil. Our Consciences are being violated by Government Force. That is all. No more, and no less.

And yet our detractors pretend that the above drivel is exactly what we wish to occur. Of all the ignorant ways to defend tyranny, this has to be one of the most base and intellectually lacking. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a Lenten fast to stock up for. It is Fat Tuesday, after all.

 

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